I've been a hobby gamer since the early 1990's. I started playing Magic: the Gathering around 1995 and got into Legend of the Five Rings a short time later. While I never really got to roleplay, I collected the books of the Werewolf: the Apocalypse RPG line, if just because I loved werewolves and it was great reading material.

In the last two years, directly after graduating from college, I got into Mage Knight, a collectible miniature wargame. You'll find most of my sketches here in DA are my designs for figure ideas for that game proposed by myself and other players. I'd long sold away my Werewolf books, had not even gotten deeper in L5R, and had put my Magic into storage. MK was a new hobby, a new beginning for me.

For one thing, it represented something I'd been looking for for a long time: an affordable wargame. The affordable is explained below. As for the "war" in wargame, I've always been a strategy and tactics nut, though with a sci-fi and fantasy bend- and rather than playing with card-based abstractions and representations, I was playing with something closer to realistic, move-and-fight combat.

I'd tried getting into the Warhammer and Warhammer 40,000 wargames, but it proved too expensive for me. In addition, I just couldn't paint to save my life (the figures of WH/WH40K came unpainted; MK's came already painted). I have to admit that if there's anything wonderful about the WH/WH40K universes, it was the richness, vastness and history of its universe. In the end, it got the same treatment as my Werewolf RPG: never played, but incredible reading material.

My career as a MK warlord (player, specifically, since the term "warlord" in MK also refers to tournament officials and rules judges), was more down than up, but I do have at least two tournament Championships under my belt. I was the undisputed king of the "No Cavalry, All Melee" tournament format, won twice in a row. OK, it's not really that impressive when you think about it; as my friend, the owner of the hobby gaming store where we had our tournaments, once said: "You excel as long as there are no horses (or mounted units) and no one's shooting at you." But hey, I got to the top in that format at least twice, using my signature special ability: Venom, or a special rule that allowed me to poison my opponents.

On the other hand, I had a ton of utterly crushing defeats as well. I'm reminded of my supposedly invincible, fool-proof battle plan that was eventually disassemble by all opponents who faced in that one tournament I brought it in. That really hurt, watching my supposedly undefeatable formation and choice of warriors being easily attacked and destroyed by each and every opponent (even novice players) who faced it.

However, win or lose, no matter how triumphant the victory or (more understably) how trivial the defeat, both had one thing in common: once the day was done, going home, I'd find myself discontent, bitter, somewhat depressed and feeling like I was missing out what was important in my life. I was looking for something, I wasn't happy, and MK wasn't it.

Now that was understandable if I was coming home with an all-loss tournament record. But it even happened after I did well or even won. Somehow, even though I came home Champion (and, later, undisputed Champion of my format), I felt like... that was it? That was all?

It long occurred to me that perhaps I was asking too much from MK than it could give me. I guess I really wanted to grow up- I did feel like I was missing out on what was normal, more meaningful and more important in life. I'd fallen in love already (then) twice, but had never had any real relationships with any woman. I was working for my mom. And for that matter, most of my fellow gamers had their girlfriends already, so I was missing out on what even my fellow geeks already had.

Maybe it was because I had issues with how MK's rules could easily abused by crafty players, allowing them to do unfair and even illogical tactics in playing. Gaming loopholes.

I managed to get away from those game abuses by moving to a sister game of MK (MK Dungeons, a D&D tactical hack & slash version of MK) which had a more structured rule system. And it was greatly more tactical than its parent game, since it extremely limited and controlled the gaming environment.

It was fun.

You know what? I was still feeling dissatisfied coming home each Saturday night.

After a few months of playing MK, I got back into Magic, since a few of our MK players were trying it out and the game was bringing back a group of creatures they'd created before that I loved. I also had issues with that game, but all my magic-duelling in college had honed my skills and given me a lot of experience, so I was playing better than ever. Furthermore, the changes that had taken place in the game since my college days had turned the environment greatly to my favor, so I was winning and rarely losing.

I stopped playing MK and MK Dungeons when its 2.0 Edition revamp was announced and the game I once knew began to slowly disappear. Dungeons was no longer being supported by MK's company. My friends told me that MK 2.0 addressed all of the things I had issue with from its earlier version, but I knew I would no longer enjoy. To have won two championships and yet feel discontent was warning enough for me.

As for Magic, I'd also always had issues with that game as well. While the discontentment I felt with MK was greater, I felt no real animosity to the game; with Magic, I could play and be satisfied more, but there were several things wrong with it that I really hated. You'll find my thoughts on these in my "The Retired Sorceror" journal entry.

In the end I stopped playing it. I recently made a new friend and we found we had Magic in common, but the last time I saw him (he was a co-worker at a job I quit shortly after getting into) was the last time I played. It was fun, win or loss, but even then the magic had gone out of me. The magic was gone.

Perhaps the only thing left of these games that I have left and truly cherish are all the fond memories I have playing. All the games I've played, most especially MK, gave me the opportunity to meet people of all sorts and make terrific new friends. Some of these friends I never even got to play with or meet face-to-face: people from down south in the Phil whom I traded figures with by Internet and courier service. All in all, I met a lot of great, clever, kind and good people through MK. Even with MK gone, I'm glad to have met these people and look on them with love and respect.

Around one year, I got into the game I currently play now: Warlord: Saga of the Storm. It was a return to CCG's for me and served as a replacement for MK (it was a card-based wargame; all the ease and portability of being made up only of cards). To be honest, it has been a very satisfying hobby. It's simple, fast, easy to play, fun, and has none of the issues Magic has. I'm very engrossed with making decks, competing at tournaments and/or just playing. Furthermore, it provided me the most fascinating experience of trading cards with people from around the world, rather than just from my own country.

Not that the game didn't have its own downs. Lack of support from its local distributor meant dwindling interest which in turn meant reduced population. There's at most only around 12 of us now playing. A vicious cycle, since having a small population means small demand, so the local distributor keeps getting less and less each time.

But we played on and on and kept the game alive as much as we could. It's still surviving. I placed fourth and won a prize just last Sunday.

The game even got its own revamp recently, invalidating three decks I'd made previously. Unlike in MK, I didn't stop (I was quite happy). I now have five decks, one still under construction, and plan to currently make two more.

Perhaps what makes Warlord such an important thing in my life is how good a hobby it has been to me. Given my emotional and psychological problems, Warlord has been a vital distraction that helps relax me and keep my mind off my stress and problems in life.

The catch is that I know it's not going to last forever.

I'm beginning to realize five or seven decks is already a lot. Despite buying more packs and domestic and international trading, I'm running out of the vital resources/cards with which to construct proper decks. I'm beginning to feel discontent and jaded- nowhere as bad as in MK, but it's there nevertheless. And while Warlord's first revamp didn't hurt me the same way MK's did, I'm sure the second revamp (due a year and a half later) will.

I still don't have a girlfriend, I still don't have a job. I'm not moving forward in life. I don't have the independence from the family I need, the freedom and confidence of being on my own required for me to grow and live on my own. I know I can't spend as much as I used to on hobby gaming, since it's high time I started saving a nest egg and preparing for the future. I desperately need to grow up and move on.

I find myself facing the fact I have to start looking at and focusing on the more important things in life and having to make the necessary sacrifices to do so.

I'll probably continue my hobby gaming, but it'll have to be with a smaller and more wisely spent monetary and time budget. The discontentment I've become too familiar with is a sign, an omen, for me to grow up, and it's high time I heeded it.